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September 2, 2014

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8/7/00 I Dreamed I Was Lowry Mays ...
I started with nothin' but a sleepy little station called WOAI in San Antonio, and look at me now. Clear Channel Communications is the biggest broadcast group in the country. To heck with that it's the biggest in the whole dang world. Now that I've got more than a thousand stations now that Ive "acquired" a big bite of all my competitors now that 80 million Americans are aware of every move that I make what should I do?
I could buy me some more Radio stations. There are a few left. Heck, maybe I'll buy me some more networks and make 'em all part of Premiere. I already got me a piece of a satellite company, so I guess Ive got outer space covered. Should I buy me up some more TV stations and some more billboard companies? (Or do I already own 'em all?) Maybe I'll buy one of the big three TV networks! Shoot, maybe I'll buy CBS, ABC and NBC and remove two letters from each of 'em and create CCC. Have I bought any magazines or newspapers yet? I can't remember. Maybe I should get me a ratings company. I wonder if Arbitron or Nielsen would sell.
Them dang stockholders have been better to me than a drink of cold water on the Fourth of July. I can't let 'em down. They're countin' on me. Ive got it! They'd be happier than pigs in slop if I could get 'em an 80-percent profit margin, instead of just 50 percent. That would sure knock their hats in the creek! And I'll bet, if I announced that I was gonna play 29 minutes of commercials an hour, that ol' Mel would do it, too. Heck, I know he would. He's a bidness man, first and foremost. That'll get me up to at least a 60-percent margin. But where am I gonna get the other 20 points?
We'll automate the stations. Wait! Why spend all that money on automation equipment? We'll just run a network feed for each format same songs and same DJs in every market in the country. Think of the payroll savings! We could do a single feed for each format and eliminate the cost of 5,000 DJs. (I can't believe that nobody has ever thought of this before.) All we'll have to do is insert the local commercials. Wait a minute! The Gap and Home Depot are in every market. Why sell spots locally when we can just sell NATIONAL spots? We won't need local salespeople! Think of the payroll savings! Heck, them local retailers wont survive anyway.
Wait a minute. If we don't have local salespeople, there won't be any local sales commissions, and we won't need any more sales desks, telephones or real estate. That means there won't be any real estate taxes or expense reports! We can sell off all that property and bring in huge cash to the company! Heck, we can get by with a couple of engineers in each market. I know we can. No GMs, no SMs, and we'll do all the bookkeeping right here in San Antonio.
Well go from 25,000 employees to just a few thousand. Maybe just a few hundred! Think of the payroll savings! And yet well still have all them listeners. I know we will. No more bumper stickers. No more TV Ads. No more expensive promotions. And since it's just me and Mel in most places, we wont even need to promote! Listeners will just kind of divide us up. Ratings? Heck, who needs em? Ill bet ol' Mel would drop 'em if I did. Think of the savings! And yet well still have all them listeners. I know we will.
I dreamed I was Lowry Mays .
I awoke in a cold sweat. It was a dream, right?


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